A joke. That's not even funny.

One upside to keeping a blog is that when I find myself in the midst of something even mildly hellish I find some solace in the fact I will have something to write about. And so I am compelled to share with you my recent experience of finding childcare. Anyone wondering why so few women return to work after having children has obviously not spent any time on the phone to the government departments responsible for family services. In my experience even a quick conversation with any of those bodies is usually enough to zap the will to live, let alone work.

I’m due to start a new job next week which means, among other things, I will be relinquishing some of my parental duties. Not in spirit, of course, but in body, at least, a few other adults will be responsible for caring for the two lovely Misses in my life at certain times. This is sensational for lots of reasons not the least of which is because for a while there it looked like Miss I might be caring for Miss L. And that was never going to end well.

 

As background, despite Miss L’s name being down at the fantastic centre which Miss I attends since I was four months’ pregnant, there is virtually no chance of her securing a single day there before 2014. I had naively assumed Miss L would get a spot there so hadn’t put her name down at too many other places. By which I mean, none. But, with that option off the table, with a signed contract and a start date locked in I was forced to quickly familiarise myself with every childcare facility within a 10 kilometre radius of my home and my work.

I had versions of this conversation roughly 30 times.

Me: Hello I’m ringing to enquire about a position for my 8 month old baby and am willing to bake you cakes every day for the next month if you can give me even a glimmer of hope?

Them: Please fill out our waitlist application. The current waiting period for babies under 12 months is 2 years.

Me: How does that work because by then my baby would be 2 years and 8 months?

Them: Well that’s good because the average waiting period for children over 2 is a lot shorter. She’ll get a spot much sooner then.

Me: Well that’s good except I’m due to start work in a few weeks when she will be 9 months old.

Them: The current waiting period for babies under 12 months is 2 years.

Me: Right. I see. Did you hear me promise you cake????

Turns out not even cake helps. After having this conversation too many times it looked like a nanny might be the only option. Except I then did the maths and it quickly looked like that was not a particularly viable option. Nannies charge between $20 and $30 an hour, so even hiring a nanny for 8 hours a day, 4 days a week, would cost $800 a week after tax. At this point I contemplated becoming a nanny myself to get paid quite decent money to do what I already do day-in day-out FOR FREE. That was fleeting.

I then decided to investigate the circumstances in which the childcare rebate is applicable to nannies. According to the various government websites the childcare rebate is applicable to in-home carers in very limited circumstances. (An in-home carer is essentially a nanny but nannies sound expensive and luxurious so the government calls them ‘in-home carers’ and the rules are they can mind children but do no housework. Actually I might try that rule around here but I digress.) I rang to find out more.

Me: Hello, I’m just ringing to find out more about the childcare rebate for in-home care.

Them: The childcare rebate is applicable to in-home care in very limited circumstances.

Me: Yes, that’s what I keep reading. I’m quite interested in what those circumstances might be?

Them: Very limited.

Me: Right. Are you able to shed any light on what those ‘very limited circumstances’ might be?

Them: Well for a start you have to prove you cannot access other childcare. Have you rung any centres?

Me: Yes, I have. I’ve called about 30 and there are no positions and the average waiting period for a child under 12 months is very long. It's approximately two years which I still can’t get my head around but that's the way it is.

Them: Well where do you live? I’ll have a look with our search engine.

[I gave them our suburb which, for context, is in Sydney’s east.]

Them: Right there’s a centre in Hunter’s Hill. Is that near you?

Me: Ah no. That’s on the other side of the city.

Them: Well it’s less than 10 kilometres from you.

Me: Possibly as a crow flies it is but I’m not a crow and I can’t fly. In driving terms it may as well be 20 kilometres. Driving a child from my house to Hunter’s Hill would take over an hour and I’d then have to double back to get to work. I could then probably sit down and write one email before I’d then have to get back in the car. It’s not feasible.

Them: Ok what about Cremorne?

Me: Unfortunately again that’s not near where I live or work.

Them: What about Annandale?

Me: Unfortunately again that’s not near where I live or work.

  

[This charade continued for a solid ten minutes.]

Me: Does your database show centres with vacancies or just where centres are located?

Them: It just shows where they are. You’ll have to call the centres individually to check vacancy.

Me: See the problem is even if I did live in Hunter’s Hill or Cremorne or Epping or Annandale I’m certain there would be a queue of adorable babies, or at least their parents, beating those centres’ doors down just like I am doing at the centres near me. I have genuinely called all of the facilities near us and there just aren’t positions available.

Them: Well do you having any relatives or parents that could look after your children? Maybe you should look into that.

Me: Oh gosh why didn’t I think of that?? Of course!! I’ve got soooo many relatives and grandparents at a loose end, just asking for something to do for 30 hours a week. This phone call is just a ruse because, in my oodles of spare time, I just LOVE interacting with government departments. I am just pretending to actually really need childcare so I could call!!! Tricked you!! No unfortunately I don’t have that option.

Them: Right well. You might need in-home care then?

Me: Yes. That’s why I rang.

Them: In-home care is only available in Petersham. Is that near you?

Me: No it’s not. Gosh that seems extraordinarily lucky for the residents of Petersham; they get in home care while the rest of Sydney doesn’t?    

Them: In-home care is only available in very limited circumstances.

Me: So I hear.

I rang Petersham. Turns out in-home care is not only available to the residents of Petersham. It’s just the office that administers in-home care across New South Wales is located in Petersham. Heaven forbid these agencies would be across such minor details!

Before my will to work had wilted entirely, by a giant stroke of luck (the universe perhaps rewarding me for time lost on hold to Family Services???), I managed to secure Miss L two days in a family daycare centre that has just opened quite near us. I can’t imagine doing two separate drop-offs and pick-ups is going to be particularly easy or fun but, in combination with a nanny one and a half days per week, it will make it possible for me to work. Which is, even after all of this, what I want.

This palaver might have been more amusing if it hadn’t been quite so stressful. If it weren’t for the fact it kept me awake at night for nearly a month. Or the fact it occupied me for about 3 hours a day for nearly a month (which is basically every spare moment I have in a 24-hour block). Or the fact luck is the only reason I can work. Or the fact it is barely worth my while, in real dollar terms, to work. If it weren’t for any of those things, I might find the situation slightly more amusing. It might not be funny but the situation is a joke. If only I could orchestrate another chance meeting with Tony Abbott or Kevin Rudd to nut this out.